Listen to Yourself

I was just thinking about how far I’ve come.

I remember the fear

So much fear

Should I get divorced?

Should I stay?

Will my kids be okay if I end the marriage?

Will they be okay if I stay?

Will I be able to keep my house?

Will I even be able to feed my kids?

Do I have any skills?

I definitely don’t have any skills.

Is my husband right? I’m arrogant, controlling, unreasonable, selfish, crazzzzzyyyyy

What if he leaves and thrives and I fail, does that prove him right?

He’s probably right.

Shame. I should be ashamed.

I should be grateful it’s not worse.

He’s a nice guy. He is.

When I don’t make my demands.

I’m so demanding. Fuck.

But wait. Hang on.

Whose holding EVERYTHING together?

Maybe I do have skills. A few.

And- am I miserable? Uh, yes.

Do I want my children to repeat this?

Full stop. No.

I know that when I made the decision to change… everything….. I had no idea if I was right or wrong: if I was crazy or not crazy. If I could make it on my own or not.

But the reality was, I wasn’t making it this way either.

So, I had to choose.

I had to work a couple jobs I REALLY didn’t like.

I struggled to make ends meet. It was scary.

I had to do a LOT of therapy (still do!)

I had to just know, that it had to be able to get better.

That was the little voice I had gotten used to ignoring, trying to get my attention.

Even though it was hard, the more I listened and worked on myself, the better and better and better everything became.

What used to feel so fuzzy and unreachable and confusing, became crystal clear.

Love with conditions, isn’t “nice”

Polite words can still be abuse.

Trust yourself.

I’m so glad I did.

It’s been ugly.

It’s been painful

It’s been slowwwwwwww

It’s been a complete transformation and awakening.

I’m awake now

And educated. That was hard. But worth it.

And secure.

I didn’t know who I was then, if I was any good or not. All I knew was that I had to get to the bottom of it, I had to find out.

And, to my surprise and delight, it turns out I am a really great person.

Yeah I have anxiety.

Yeah I tend to people please.

Yeah I trend on the codependent side of life.

But I see it now. I’m secure in who I am so I can keep holding myself accountable to better. To healthier.

If I want to be brutally honest, I was crazy before. Because I was repeating the same cycles over and over and expecting a different result. I was unconscious of my patterns. But now I’m not.

And life, hard as it is sometimes because- let’s be real- life’s hard- my life is full. Fulfilling.

And I actually deeply, love and know myself.

My career is now, I’m a leader in the field of helping others transform too.

The universe works, when you work it.

It’s fucking incredible.

So, try it. Listen to yourself. Take the step.

You’re stronger, saner, more capable and more worthy than you can imagine.

Coaching with Lila

#trustyourself#selfworth#truth#love#relationships#clarity#couragetochange#coaching#hope#clarity#success