Why is it so hard to say no to our kids?
Maybe it isn’t for some people, but it is for me.
I have always been such a fucking people pleaser.
Until about a month ago, if I created a boundary for my kids, it was coupled with a long drawn-out conversation about why, and then some groveling about how hard it is to say no, and it’s only because I love them, blah blah blah.
One day, as I was literally apologizing for creating a healthy boundary, in this instance it was insisting my son stack wood, he finished the sentence for me-”I know I know, it’s because you care. I got it, Lila.”
Well shit. Is this really the best way to lay down the law?
Did I want to raise my kids to be in the position of apologizing to their kids for good parenting?
What the fuck was I doing.
Parenting teenagers is hard. They are pushing dangerous boundaries and we cannot be in the business of worrying if we are going to upset them with a good, hard, protective, “NO.”
If we waffle, they don’t take us seriously.
I know because I waffle all the time, or I did, but I’m finally not doing it anymore.
Some things are really serious and we need them to know that. Somethings are a no-questions-asked- hell-no.
No to underage drinking.
No to underage drinking and driving.
No to the complacency that so many adults adopt with teens.
No to subscribing to the philosophy that since I did it, they will too and that’s okay.
It’s not okay.
Just because I have raised thoughtful and kind and intelligent kids, doesn’t mean they aren’t kids.
Impulsive. In their minds, Invincible. Able to get in bad situations. Situations including adults providing alcohol or drugs, or older kids coming to a high school party that (I was told) was just a few very close friends, but got out of hand, and wanting to fight. With guns. My kids have experienced both.
I don’t try to be the cool mom who is friends with her kids. I try to be the mom who says no, but with all kinds of understanding about why.
I thought the ‘why’ would give them stability, and sometimes it does.
Other times, too much explanation just makes for confusion and frustration and room for compromise when there really isn’t any room for that.
Too much explanation, and often compromise, was giving my kids power over my parenting that wasn’t earned. The power I was giving them was teaching them entitlement rather than humility. Power and control rather than power of discernment.
Sometimes the answer is just absolutely not, and I don’t have to feel guilty about that.
But I always have.
I thought I could give my kids the world, never have them struggle, show them a good life, and then they would just KNOW when things aren’t right, and they should not do it.
Funny, I know.
It doesn’t work that way.
I decided, time to shift.
I’m challenging myself to say no and not feel guilty.
I asked myself what was so scary about this. What was the worst that could happen?
I realized my biggest fear about saying no, would be discovering they didn’t value my opinion.
I didn’t want to say no and be dismissed, demeaned or degraded.
I didn’t want to lose them. I didn’t want to be abandoned.
If I was tough I thought surely they would leave.
I think so many of us live in the fear of losing our kids forever- not physically as much as emotionally- and it is such a deceptive perspective- fear based rather than one of clarity and strength.
Suddenly I realized this was old thinking, and old baggage from my past. I am not that silenced woman I used to be. I am strong, and I am not crazy, and I know what is safe and what is not.
I lived in that fear and parented from that platform until I realized that the fear was reinforcing the opposite of the lessons I believed in.
I was back to that woman I was before I started my own healing- meekly apologizing for having a reasonable expectation. This was dangerous territory I was teaching my boys, and it had to stop. I had to stop.
I had to parent like the strong, successful, moderate, funny, intelligent, reasonable and SAFE mother I AM.
I decided to be brave, and set some boundaries, and not over explain, and not doubt myself or feel guilty.
It didn’t go well. My kids were pissed.
One of my kids did go live with their dad for a week. One week of my heart breaking in fear that he would never come back. My intuition told me to leave him there and let him come to his own conclusions about my boundaries.
It was only one week, before he asked to come home, he understood, and he wanted to talk.
My other son drove away after a particularly friction filled, boundary laden conversation. He came home two hours later, slept on it, and let me know the next day he understood. He saw that it is not that I don’t have faith in him, or appreciate all that he is doing well, but rather boundaries to protect all that he is and is becoming.
My daughter watched it all.
Everything shifted. To strength and thought.
The more I stand my ground, the more I explain my stance, the more I am unwavering in my reasonings, the more they come to respect me, respect themselves, and see the boundaries are a straight line to a healthy and fabulous life.
They are coming to see I am not controlling them, but fighting to protect them.
That’s what parenting teens is about.
It’s about figuring out the line of freedom and accountability.
We aren’t talking about control, or knowing their every move, or not trusting their judgement.
That is what they think, because they are kids.
And we can’t get fooled. We can’t.
They need us to say no when they can’t. When they don’t know what we know, and why NO will give them more freedom in the long run than that short-sighted yes ever will.
Saying no to these things is not popular, easy or cool.
It’s the hardest thing maybe I have ever done.
How can they learn to trust themselves if I don’t lead by the example of trusting myself?
The stronger I am, the stronger my kids will be, and I have to remember that.