We resist what we don’t understand.
But you know what’s cool?
When you start to awaken.
Obviously I didn’t know it at the time, in fact I thought I was very much awake, and trying to break cycles, but I was mostly living in a codependent haze until I was 37.
I didn’t think I needed therapy because I was smart enough to think, communicate, love hard (aka deny my own needs and feelings) through anything.
Therapy was for the defeated, I thought.
I wasn’t going to be defeated, broken, lost, unable to solve the problem. All the problems.
Until- until. Until it was undeniable that everything was coming apart. Everything. Most importantly- me.
I went to therapy and- IMMEDIATELY- wondered why in the hell I resisted this for so long.
I began to learn, and I began to see, and I began to awaken.
Once it starts, it doesn’t stop. You can’t unsee.
It’s amazing and relieving and terrifying and- and it hurts.
But all the things I couldn’t think my way out of, people please under the rug, bull my way through, ignore or deny, started to become understandable.
Clarity. Holy shit, clarity.
It’s so good. And bad. But so incredibly good.
This week, I’ve gotten to be a part of this awakening with a few different people. And it’s just so powerful to observe.
The way the mind starts to actually make sense of things, the way forgiveness of self starts to roll in, with some anger and resentment too, but alongside that? Determination.
Because once you get a taste for understanding, and becoming truly present and alive and WELL, there’s just nothing better. There is no drug, relationship, drink or outside pleasure that can come close to topping this.
The hurt of it becomes worth it.
There’s a platform to stand on, where before it was just jumping from one bobbing or sinking raft to another.
There’s never an end to the learning, and the unlearning, the growing, awakening and becoming.
The things that made you feel crazy, they become distant lessons, eventually.
Trauma isn’t fair, abuse is wrong, reactions to abuse are confusing, but all of it? Fucking solveable.
Even if you don’t think you have the time, find a way to make the time.
I had three little kids and 3,000 egg laying chickens and a hundred pigs and 60 cows and a really shitty (ha!) divorce beginning. I felt like I was stealing the time.
I was, and it was worth it.
I’ve come so far from the small and doubtful, worried, never sleeping, forgetful, hyper vigilant, catasrophizing, self-loathing, self-blaming lady I used to be.
I still have to work on my old tendencies of self-blame anxiety and codependence but I see it now. I get it. And I’m strong enough to hold myself to the standards of living, loving, being and growing that I want for myself.
But it’s easier and always becoming ever deeper.
Seeing the beginning for others now too, it’s just one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever experienced.
We resist what we don’t understand.
If you’re at a place where you’re coming undone, and you just can’t think your way through it anymore, just know you don’t have to.
There’s answers and support and trained professionals to lead you.
Life is short and this world, this world you can create, is very very big.
Asking for help is not defeat. It’s the best victory of your life.
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