A Midnight Rant about Online Dating
Can we just call it out that online dating is fucking horseshit? I mean Jesus fuck. Sorry if this is not PC but there are some creepy ass motherfuckers out there. Not to be mean, but honest question: why would you take a close-up picture of your eye, just your fucking eye, not any of the rest of your face, post that and think anyone is going to think, “swipe RIGHT!” Or what is with all the fucking fish. I had no idea so many men caught so many fish. Big fish. Do they actually or is it like some unspoken requirement that in order to be a desirable man in online dating you must pose with a fish. Maybe it’s the same fish, maybe it’s like a secret code- to be in the “manly online dating club” you have to have a selfie on a boat with a fish… “To attract the woman of your dreams, simply text 212-FISH to be put on the photo schedule with the boat and the fish!”
I do, however, try to be open minded. You’re hot? Swipe right. Well, within reason. If you present like a real person, employed, can spell the word “you” not “u.” In this category I have to put the disclaimer that so far I have met, actually met, three very hot, very smart, amazing men and have had (and sometimes still have) torrid, transcendental sex with two of them and really nice sex with the other. No, I am not a slut. I have been online dating on and off for six years and only chose three men to share my body with. Not counting the four-year on-off, push-pull relationship with a man I truly loved. Even if I was a slut, fuck you, go me. There’s a difference between unhealthy sex for attention and the healthy connection of two secure adults simply sharing a moment. The delightful thing I have gotten from online dating has been the ability to meet someone with the specific purpose of exploring my sexuality. It is much easier to be sexually free without the pressure of… everything. This has changed me for the better, the deeper, the more connected to my own primal self. Sex is a place to reach for confidence, power, ability and then be proud of what you’ve found. It’s carried into every other part of my daily being- I shine brighter now. The catch, I suspect, is the more I learn about myself through these experiences, the more difficult it makes settling into “the one.” I haven’t found that person yet, where there is a calm, and everything that is and isn’t there is okay and it all makes sense. So I keep scrolling.
What’s with all the beards? My god so many beards. It doesn’t make sense to me. Women are supposed to wax off every hair, top to toe and men are wandering around with this fucking scraggly shit on their face? Scroll. Smart hot, swipe right. Funny hot, swipe right. Smart not hot, but funny, swipe right. I came across one with a quote in his profile: “There are good guys, we are all just ugly,” Ha ha. Swipe right. He was fun until the dick pic. What the fuck. Come ON guys, do better. Your dick is fine, stop sending pictures of it, especially the blurry ones from your car. I can see the steering wheel and feel your depressing insecurity. What are you really expecting us to say, anyway? “Oh! What a nice dick!” Or “I really like how yours is curved.” Where are the fucking MEN?
Or what about the extremely hot ones? There’s always a sob story: wife cheated, so lonely. Can I please get the street you were born on, your children’s names and your phone number? I imagine some Wizard of Oz type man-behind-the-curtain, brilliant cyber-hacker, Shrek-looking jerk on the back end of that. The moment I hesitate to give my number, they ghost. Hmm, seems soooo genuine.
Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating about how bad it is. There’s plenty of guys in the suit or on the tractor and they all seem sort of okay. SORT OF OKAY. What the fuck. Is that my future? I am doing all this fucking heartfelt inner healing touchy fucking feely, calm myself, stop being an anxiously attached fucking psycho and the best I’m going to find is SORT OF OKAY because he has a good smile, can look great in a suit and KNOWS HOW TO HOLD A FISH?
I don’t know what my future is. Scrolling through this weird shit is bizarre. It doesn’t make me want to settle though. Actually the opposite. I am NOT going to settle. I mean I am EARNING my fucking partner. You think I am going to settle after this? Absolutely no way. I am happy I met the hot men for the hot sex. I know I could call any of them at anytime and have more of it and that actually does give me comfort. I guess that reveals my sad or desperate desire to be wanted. It isn’t fulfilling though, not like it was, so I’ll count that as growth. I don’t want or need sex without love anymore. I want a partner. One that is emotionally available, or interested in building a life or truly getting to know each other. I don’t NEED a partner, I have an amazing life. I just WANT a partner, preferably without a big beard or a whole chest tattoo. A man with a happy life of his own, but who knows how to share his heart. I can be creative how we blend our lives and figure it all out. I can wait. But in the mean-time, I guess I’ll just have to keep swiping right.
#Dating #singlemom #fish #hell #swiperight #whatthefuck #motherhood
