When I first discovered the concept of attachment theory, I was amazed. I had never thought of it in such a way before. Attachment, in my mind, wasn’t a theory, it was just one thing- one feeling, not a series of reactions based on our history and childhood experiences.
It makes so much sense! Of course we have different ways we attach to each other. I began to think about all my relationships and how I connect or try to connect. I have always been the giver, the fixer, the do-er and the (over) thinker. The people pleaser. I remember lying in bed one night in about fifth grade, crying to myself, wondering why I was always the “better” friend. Why did I always get left or excluded or sensed some two-faced betrayals. It would take me another 25 years or so to figure out that I was constantly attaching myself through insecurity, by needing constant reassurance, rather than through security and self-assuredness. Attaching from a place of neediness and fear pushes people away, especially when trying to connect to an individual with an avoidant style of attachment.
Anxiously attached people have childhood wounds stemming around abandonment or being dismissed, silenced, betrayed or belittled by their caregivers or siblings. Anxiously attached people also often grow up in homes with addiction or have a parent with mental health issues, forcing the child to take on an overly responsible or a care-taking role. Usually children in that role have to manage unmanageable situations that leave them feeling unworthy or “not good enough,” because the reactions to the efforts from their caregivers were unpredictable. Sometimes the child would be praised and made much of (embedding the relief and safety connections in the brain) and sometimes the efforts would be met with anger or dismissal, reinforcing the “unworthy” connections in the brain. This manifests in adulthood as insatiable insecurity and a search for safety, something that was so absent in early life.
The brain is always looking to find the former, the safety, the praise, the joy of being “good.” The coping mechanism used as a child doesn’t work as an adult though- finding those unsafe situations over and over again to save or fix or be “good” keeps the roller coaster of insecurity alive.
Avoidantly attached individuals have childhood wounds stemming around neglect and abuse, and often addiction as well. Neglect and abuse in childhood is often too traumatizing for the young brain to cope with and so it doesn’t, it freezes. The brain finds a way to disassociate from reality. If something awful is happening to the child such as physical or sexual abuse, or to the child’s mother, sibling, etc, and the child is helpless to do anything to stop it, the brain takes over and stops the child from feeling. The emotional pathways are short circuited.
There are books and books written on this topic and it is extremely fascinating. This is where the study of the Polyvagal theory originated which we wont get into here but it is truly compelling. A person who has spent their life shut off from their emotions, and then begins to awaken or heal can often experience excruciating physical side effect such as digestive issues, panic attacks and more, as the Vagus nerve begins working again. It is interesting to see how powerful our brains and bodies are in protecting us from adverse experiences. Unfortunately what worked as a child (complete dissociation, blocking it out, not feeling it, thinking about it etc) works against the person as an adult. As an adult, many people with avoidant attachment have the very same yearning to be loved and for safety as anyone else, but their fears of intimacy or being vulnerable make it nearly impossible. Many avoidant people are hyper-independent. They are self-sufficient to a fault. They don’t need anyone or anything and they work hard to keep it that way. Sexual intimacy is extremely difficult, because it requires vulnerable connection, and tuning into another person. The media likes to tell us that falling in love is the most pleasant thing in the world. For many, especially with avoidant attachment, it is actually the most physically, mentally and emotionally painful experience. To be able to relax and enjoy love requires an avoidant person to embrace extreme awareness and commitment to healing, or no actual change can occur.
Disorganized attachment manifests in a very confusing way, a mash-up of anxious and avoidant. Disorganized attachment develops from a parent’s constant failure to respond supportively to their child’s distress, or by a parent’s inconsistent response to their child’s feelings of fear, stress, etc. If a child comes from a chaotic home with poverty, addiction, a lot of siblings trying to get their needs met, disorganized attachment can develop. If a child loses a parent to death or abandonment, especially a parent who was inconsistent with their emotional responses to the child, this can manifest as disorganized attachment.
People with disorganized attachment become adults with an extreme fear of rejection, coupled with an intense, almost panicked need for closeness, but once involved are unable to manage the emotions and shut down. Where anxious people are always pushing for closeness and avoidants are always trying pull away, disorganized people have their own internal anxious/avoidant tornado/roller coaster happening all the time. It is a constant war within themselves which as you can imagine makes involving another person ever more difficult. This manifests in aggressive demands for attention and then just as quickly aggressively removing themselves from a situation that feels overwhelming. A person with this form of attachment again has work to do to understand what is happening inside their nervous system and their mind, so they can slow down and begin to find stability within themselves and eventually, as they so deeply desire, with another person.
Secure attachment manifests as a peaceful ability to be alone without fear and also in a deep, intimate relationship without fear. Secure attachment develops in childhood from parents who were consistent and loving in their responses to their children. Parents who are emotionally regulated themselves and able to support their children to be able to manage their big emotions in healthy ways. Secure people are able to slow down and observe an emotional situation and stay calm and react objectively and in peace. Secure people can recognize their faults and take responsibility for their actions and do the work to learn. Secure individuals can look at growth as positive first, not painful first.
My observation is that secure parenting and secure relationships are becoming more common as mental health and emotional health is recognized as equally important to our physical wellbeing, but there are few people who are raised to be entirely secure emotionally from childhood to adulthood. We ARE humans, we DO feel, we are NOT perfect. What I love about the concept of secure attachment, is that to me, as a person who is healing from anxious attachment, it feels like an end goal not a starting point. We can all learn about secure responses to big emotions and work towards it. I am becoming secure. I also love that I am coming from a place of insecurity, because I have a clear grasp on what it means to be secure and to respond with calm. I see all the work I must continue to do to establish and maintain a secure attachment to myself first and then with the rest of the world.
Attachment style has everything to do with understanding your tendencies, and then using them to learn how to ACT rather than REACT to all that you face in life.
#attachmenttheory #relationships #strength #hope #emotionalintelligence #heart #love #divorce #mentalhealth