Letting Go of Imposter Syndrome

Imposter syndrome.  Do you have it?  I do. Or well, I did, I used to, but it’s getting better now.  The more I find and claim my worth, the more I feel, internally, that what I have to say matters, and that others take me seriously, too.

My voice used to be very small, full of apologies, full of qualifiers like “do you know what I mean?”  or “Hopefully that doesn’t sound crazy!”  or, “does that make any sense, at all?” It was like I was excusing myself for existing while I was fighting to exist.  Fighting to be heard, Fighting to be believed in.  Fighting against my own mind, that truly believed I was stupid and crazy.

In meetings for the longest time, and still sometimes, even over Zoom, if colleagues support my thoughts and ideas I want to look around, look behind me, as if the “real” person with the “intelligent ideas” is sitting just behind me.  The person people are listening to and looking up to couldn’t possibly be me, could it?

As I have settled into the fact that I can indeed have valuable thoughts and ideas, that I have follow through on said ideas, I have begun the next chapter of truly finding my worth.  Before, if someone challenged an idea of mine I would back down and agree with them “oh I see what you mean, you’re right, that doesn’t make sense,” and I would whither away, and let other people, smarter, more “together” people, take charge.

The idea that other people have it more together is such an illusion. We are all walking shitshows. Some of us can just compartmentalize it better than others.  Some of us have supportive spouses, or more financial freedom that allows for more grace or confidence. But the single worst thing we can do to ourselves as humans, parents, professionals or leaders is to compare ourselves to each other. There is no comparison that is based in any reality. Admiring a persons’ qualities, and working to develop yourself in a similar way is healthy.  That comes from a place of internal “enoughness.”  Sizing yourself up as lacking, is the single most stifling thing we can do to ourselves in our lives. I don’t do it anymore, and it feels amazing.

As I claim my worth I claim my ideas, my space and my voice. I am learning how to support my position when it is challenged. It is one thing to have people give credit to your thoughts, it is another, fabulous thing altogether when you not only give YOURSELF the credit for your thoughts, you can stand up to someone who challenges them, and you HELP them see why your ideas are worthy. It takes a lot of courage.  It is very scary.  I’ll give you my most recent example.

A new colleague, a newly hired prominent leader in our community, joined a meeting, a meeting full of many leaders I strongly admired. I was presenting a new idea for how to solve a problem. The presentation was a new direction I came up with, it was definitely “out of the box,” so just presenting this in the first place required I mustered much courage. He didn’t like it, felt it attacked the shortcomings of his organization (it did) and said to the group “This presentation makes clear to me you do not understand the current workflow and therefore this creates a lot of misunderstandings in how to get this work done.” 

He was right in that I had presented a highly controversial idea.  An idea a year before I never would have dared to share, but after a year of collecting data and developing my case, I was very certain of what needed to be done and the issues at hand. My lack of understanding was not the issue here. What was actually clear was HIS lack of understanding by speaking that way, not mine.  The old me would have said something like, “I’m sorry, I think we can revisit this and find a way to come to an understanding,”  or something else equally disempowering. Or maybe I would have said nothing but mumbled a tiny “I’m sorry,”  or maybe I wouldn’t have presented the idea at all.  But this time I was able to use my data as my armor and my worth as my voice and challenge HIS lack of understanding. I have also learned how to do this in a kind and empathetic way, to not breed conflict for conflicts sake.  I notice that often OTHERS, when challenged, like to make people small. It used to work on me, I used to become intimidated and silenced.  Now, I see the action, and I raise it one. I support my idea.  I make sure I do the work to be prepared so I can always fall back on logic, not emotion. That’s the challenge with imposter syndrome, relying on intellect rather than feeling. The growth and the comfort I feel in this change is vastly freeing.  On the spot, my mind used to choke up, freeze, deer in the headlights situation.  Now?  I breathe.  I remind myself that my ideas are valid.  I remind myself that I am also open to criticism, and I can learn, adapt and change.  If my ideas need to be improved by others’ ideas too- that is also a win! 

Imposter syndrome has taught me to study human behavior, to understand triggers, mine and those around me. Imposter Syndrome has also shown me that many others suffer from it too, and it can turn the nicest person defensive when challenged. Now that I understand and remain calm. If we all come together with the perspective of helping free each others’ minds, to believe in each other, to not be “right” or “wrong” a lot more work gets done, a lot more positively. I give myself permission to be right AND wrong today, and that is the best permission slip yet.

#impostersyndrome #letgo #success #respect #career #women

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