Check the Boxes
Ever since I put my book “F*ck That,” out into the world, people have been reaching out to me with one common theme: fear, and running from it, and wanting to stop. People run from so many things. Running from the hard things in life. Running from fear of love, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of connection, fear of feeling. Fear of being judged. Fear of failure. Fear of living real.
The more I listen, and the more I think about my own running and my own fears, the more I believe that all of us are conditioned to live in fear. That living this way is almost considered brave, or strong. We are taught to hide behind a dysfunctional definition of materialistic, surface-comfort “normalcy.” The look good, be good, don’t-talk-don’t-tell definition. It seems this definition, and way of life, started somewhere around the Industrial revolution, traveled through the era of the internet, and, like good humans who take everything to the extreme, has gone over the edge. Now we live in fear of being bigger, softer, realer, deeper. That fear, of being exactly who we are, keeps us on the run. Its deceitful, this running. We are running from ourselves, hoping to find ourselves. Why? Why do we stay on the run? Why do we let this fear rule so much of our lives? Why do we let it create so much internal struggle we end up escaping into drugs and alcohol and toxic relationships? One lady mentioned she hasn’t stopped running in thirty years. Her “to-do” lists are her escape, her validation that she is worthy, even though deep down, she doesn’t believe it. All she has for validation are her lists. Check the boxes, get through the day. Why are we living this way?
It’s making us sick. Human beings can’t live without love. Real love. The courage of real connection. When we try, that’s when unhealthy things like addiction or toxic relationships happen. It’s when kids feel alone because they can’t talk to their parents about the very hard, emotional challenges we all face. It’s confusing to struggle, and be too scared to admit it. What if all that changed and it became normal to be confused and talk about it, have a feeling and share it, to love openly and honestly? So few want to admit it though, not yet, this emotional, vulnerable need, and we need to change that. It needs to be okay.
What I’ve also been noticing, is that in our Recovery Center, at my work, time stops. The bustle and chaos of avoiding feeling is humming right outside the door, but to walk in, everything is different.
The cries of attempted suicide and overdose and teens saying, “I’m boring if I’m not drinking,” and adults saying, “I don’t deserve to be alive, if he died, why didn’t I?” or, “I don’t love my baby, I want to die more than live, what is wrong with me?” Hard, scary questions dare to get asked here. Emotions are discovered, shame is forgiven.
We need more places like this in the world, where the stories and the feelings are allowed to breathe and we see life emerge. Relief in the telling. Comfort in the acceptance of the existence of fears and how they suffocate. Mothers and fathers and children are led to stable footing, on emotional grounds. Worth grows. Hope shows up. Shame is disarmed. People are safe. Examples are set. We all need a place to breathe.
The center, what goes on there, is a little like a secret. A sanctuary for the people who seek solace there. The “junkies” and the “drunks” and the “bad kids.” A sanctuary of emotion, for anyone with the courage to enter. There is every kind of person, rich and poor, put together and falling apart. You might encounter many of these people walking through a grocery store and sometimes you might make a judgement based on appearance, a call upon their character. A misguided, small minded, slap against their wisdom and a jolt to your well-dressed ego.
They know more than you.
They don’t have to run anymore. They ran to the end of their fear and faced it. They are healing, and their health is returning. Returning with wisdom of the heart, and they can’t ever go back again, not to where they were. They are learning how to grieve and about attachment theory and the power and control of abuse. They are learning about why their trauma led to addiction. They are learning about the science behind emotions. You can’t argue with facts. Even if they fall, they have more of themselves to catch them, and they will stand again. We all need a place to fall, so we can stand again.
To see a person with no nothing- no family, no car, no job, no dollars, arm themselves with the wisdom of their own stories, and step up, that is courage, and it works. Life gets better from the inside out. It is possible for all of us. Stop running. Dare to feel. Dare to connect.
Don’t know where to start? Start right now. What are you doing? Hiding in social media, work, addiction, to-do lists? Start noticing how much you are on the run. Start by tuning into yourself once a day, for five minutes, no matter how uncomfortable that feels. Relationships will improve, especially the one with yourself.
The world is turning, the more people who bravely take the chance to begin to feel. Feeling allows for purpose, and meaningful living. The more we all seek meaning, the more the world can become a wiser, kinder, place.
** to learn more about grief, attachment theory and trauma, check out my book : F*ck That: A step-by-Step Guide to Claim Your Worth and Heal Your Broken Heart.” It is a simple safe introduction, and it will help. go to the “Buy the Book” checkout page on this website or click here: https://motherroadvt.com/product/album/
** If you want some help call the Center at (802) 624-4156. Visit our website at www.jtr-cc.org
